What Your Dictionary of Choice Says About You
Today is National Dictionary Day. Which one are you celebrating with?
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th Edition
When your best friend’s oldest son was born, you went off registry to get him not a onesie or a bottle warmer, but that infant’s own copy of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th Edition. When, two years later, your friend reported to you that their son had picked up the dictionary, flipped through the pages like a blackjack dealer shuffling a deck and joyfully announced, “Alllllllllllllllll done!”, that was when you decided to have your own child. Who hasn’t yet earned his own copy of the dictionary.
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Edition
A pantry full of nonperishables. Just in case.
The Oxford English Dictionary (Physical Edition)
You were upset when she left, but you still don’t understand why she left. The other club members in the sitting room have their theories, but you’re not listening to what they’re saying anyway. Fortunately, you don’t need to understand why; the persistent London drizzle is remarkably effective at washing away the pain.
The Oxford English Dictionary (Online Edition)
You speak five languages, but four of them are dead. You have already prepared your harangue of the provost even though the next faculty council is still six weeks away. Ugh, how did all those fellowship applications pile up so quickly?
Concise Oxford English Dictionary
You make sure to put the old books — the newest of which was printed in 1940 — at eye level on your bookshelf. You have read none of them.
Dictionary.com
I feel like Italian tonight, you? Great. Aiden, Olivia, let’s go — it’s an Olive Garden night!
UrbanDictionary.com
The first two times this month that someone sent your group text the Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme, you laughed. After the third time, it didn’t seem as funny. But it still didn’t make you raise the floor of the age range you’re seeking on Hinge.
Funk & Wagnalls Standard Dictionary
Ever since Mom first handed you her frayed copy when you were in eighth grade, you’ve wondered why Funk would have teamed up with someone as square-sounding as Wagnalls. But the joke’s on you: Funk was a snooze. Wagnalls was the real freak.
Encarta World English Dictionary
You made sure your 16th birthday party was stocked with Crystal Pepsi. Once a week, you find an excuse to tell someone what your AIM screenname was. They say they can’t remember theirs, but you don’t believe them.
Black’s Law Dictionary
You are vaguely aware that other dictionaries exist, but you haven’t touched a single one of them since the second week of 1L.
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language
You own a gun. You have never been hunting. Your kid’s friend’s dad invited you on his hunting trip once, and you said yes, but then you “came down with food poisoning” at the last minute. You were never invited to go again.